I know it’s a scary place, but bear with me……….
In my own head, I am funny.
Quips are off the cuff, and leave people digging for their dictionaries.
Actually, I used to be. Once I got sick, it became a struggle to even understand what I was thinking in my own head, much less spit it out and have a result that made any kind of sense. I confess I’ve gotten to the point where the strange looks people give me don’t bother me as much. It’s part of life. I deal with it and move on.
In my own head, I am skinny.
Yep. Skinny. Like I used to be. Only older. When I look in the mirror, I find myself thinking “They always say the camera adds ten pounds….” and then come crashing down as I realize that I’m just using my eyes. I’m pretty sure they are broken………
Now, before all of y’all go off on me and give me the speech about loving my body and size doesn’t matter as long as you are healthy blah blah blah, let me just say this: if you’ve been in a position where your body has become an alien and something you don’t really have much control over at all, then you might be able to understand my thinking without too much work.
Of course, if you’re a girl, you probably don’t need to reach to understand this, since you’re sitting there nodding your head. I’m considering investing in one of those full-length fun house mirrors that lengthen you, but that would add to my stuff problem, and I’m really, really still trying to be good in that department.
In my own head, I am young.
Ok, so I’m not really old. I’m 40. Shhh, don’t tell anyone. 😉
This is one of those things where most some days, I scratch my head and wonder when I got old enough to have kids. And then I realize I don’t just have kids, I have kids AND teenagers. 😯
Ya, I know. Our oldest is going to be 16 in 2 months. And that just can’t be true, because I am not old enough to have kids. Well, ok, maybe a toddler or two, but teenagers? Sheesh.
I’m so anal with things that I actually have documents saved that chronicle time- time having done this or that, because thanks to my brain mush (which must mean I really am not young), wait- what was I saying? Oh yeah……. I keep track of stuff, like how long I’ve been doing certain things, because at some point, it’s all a jumble and I honestly can’t remember.
I keep track of things like how much I run; how many miles are on my shoes, and that kind of stuff. Recently, my last batch of dates was how long I’ve been doing my Community Bible Study (CBS), because I’ve lost track. Turns out, that’s been 8 years, 5 of which have been in the children’s department.
And homeschooling? Yep, we’re brand new at that is what I think in my own mind, but now we’re getting settled, since it’s been a few years. The reality is that it’s been 9 years, and our son begins his final two years of high school in the fall (except he’ll probably start some college classes then).
I’ve been out of high school, too, for over 20 years. I’m not sure how that’s possible, but apparently it must be, because that’s what the calendar is telling me. Heck, even Big Dog is about 10. Ya. We got her when the baby wasn’t out of the box yet. By default, that makes Barfy Cat 8.
My head is a great place to be, because then I can ignore things like those pesky facts. Yep, I am still young……..
In my own head, I am still smart.
I can’t remember where I wanted to go with this…….. oh yeah- In my own head, I am still really smart, like I used to be. Things started changing when I got pregnant for the first time, although it wasn’t too bad. Initially, I chalked the brain farts on pregnancy brain; then it was breastfeeding brain. Since I haven’t done either of those in a number of years, I pretty well have to confess that maybe it’s age related. Meh.
And then I remember that it’s probably disease related………. Used to be, I was blessed with a photographic memory. As in, I could read something and remember what it said usually verbatim, in addition to what part of the book it was in and where on the page it was located.
I used to be able to memorize anything and everything- when we got our first car (a ’94 Mustange GT, bought in ’93), I memorized the VIN number at home that first night. No idea why; I think it was by the time I recited it to insurance it just kind of stuck. 3 4 years ago when we traded it in for hunny’s truck, that number was still in my head. No idea why.
I was considered by some to be a “compendium of information” and I really had a good time with Trivial Pursuit. I haven’t played that game in 20 plus years, and I had to struggle to remember the name……. 🙄
Nope, when I got sick, loosing this was the thing that scared me the most out of everything. It continues to be the thing I miss the most, too. The one thing I could count on 100% of the time is gone, and some other kind of mush is taking up space up in there. We figured out this was basically the result of the constant inflammation, and if I could just get rid of that, I’d get my mind back. I think I’m about at 50%, but I’ll take what I can get. I don’t really have a choice, and for the most part, I can remember driving places, so that’s a win in my book. Something is better than nothing!
And sometimes………. I have a moment of clarity. Sometimes, things are crystal clear to me, like they used to be. I had an episode a few weeks ago where I left the shopping list at home because I forgot where I put it. And it was a LONG list, with unusual items on it. Surprisingly, I didn’t miss a single item on the list, and I could remember it, just like the olden days. It was fleeting, but it made me smile. *sigh*
In my own head, I am still beautiful.
This is one of those that is completely superficial, so if it’s going to make you think less of me, click away now………….
In the olden days, I looked good. I’m too short to be a supermodel and I was probably never emaciated enough, but I had some decent qualities- good skin, decent (although very fine) hair, dangerously long and dark eyelashes, and good muscle tone.
Now, my mantra is: Thank goodness for makeup!
The first sign of things to come was losing a good size chunk of hair off the top of my head. To be fair, we tried to convince ourselves it might be related to post-pregnancy hair loss, even though I had a suspicion it really wasn’t. Fortunately for me, I only had to do the comb-over every other year for the following years, although there stands a good chance that eventually, it’ll go from being alopecia areata to alopecia universalis.
Honestly, I’m looking forward to that, because then I can just get some wigs and be done with it. And truly, there are only so many bald thin spots you can comb over before your remaining thin hair is all used up. It’s bad, I know, but when you hair is extremely thin and very fine, it’s just a disaster. Besides, it would be nice to not have hair some places anyhow. If I lose it all, I won’t have to worry about shaving my legs, and that would be another score in my book.
Then there is the skin……….. while we’d like to attribute the discoloring to my medication, the truth of that is that it started happening before the new medication, which has a sun warning on it (as in, don’t go out in it ever unless you are totally, completely covered from head to toe, as IF that is going to happen when you live in a desert……) While my retinas are suffering from de-pigmentation, I’m picking up pigment in places I’d rather not.
And muscle tone? Puh. I’m one of those people who absolutely does not look like a runner, because despite the miles, I usually have no muscle definition. I thank the inflammation for that one, too.
So, ya, I have to say thank goodness for makeup and for hunny, who is still somehow convinced I’m beautiful. Maybe I ought to be thankful for rose-colored glasses or delusion, too, from which he seems to be suffering. 😆 No, really, that’s the power of love, and is a fantastic example of what real love looks like. We always said real love looks like wiping your partner’s/spouse’s behind when they’ve had surgery and can’t, or holding their hair when they barf……… I think this will have to go on that list. 😆
In my own head, I am tall normal height.
Yes, that’s right. In my own head, my 11-year-old neighbor isn’t taller than I; I’m not shorter than 1/2 of my kids, and I don’t need to pack around a step stool to get to the second shelf of my upper cabinets. In my own head, I don’t need help reaching things numerous times a day because I am tall enough to get them on my own.
Not much more I can add to this.
In my own head, I am 100% healthy.
I believe in the power of positive affirmation, so this is something I literally tell my self numerous times a day; particularly when I am trying to talk myself into just doing my run already. Ya, I need to say that a little louder today, because the other side of my brain is being stubborn and ignoring me.
In my own head, I am infinitely interesting.
You can stop laughing now. It’s my delusion, and I’m keeping it.
Yep, in my own head, I am infinitely interesting and multi-faceted, so much so, that random strangers give pause to ponder the wondrous information dripping from my lips.
The reality is, I’m pretty boring. We strive to be drama-free by design. I give that effort two thumbs up, because the reality is that the most excitement we get around here is counting how many eggs have been laid today………. And who is pecking who- don’t forget that! 😆 Oh! And how many nesting boxes do we think we’ll need once the babies get to that point…………..(seriously, you didn’t think I’d not say something about chickens, did you? :lol:)
My head is a great place to live, I have to say. I’m pretty sure I could get lost in there and be endlessly entertained with the fallacies contained therewithin- and the characters that live in there, like Frank and Macy, for example.
What’s living in your head?
Personally, I like your brain, it retains things that I’ve long forgotten sometimes, about various topics.
You wanna go have a cuppa tea or sumpin?
Well, thanks! I used to have a lot more random stuff up in that that I could call out on a whim. I do miss it. It makes me wonder if we get to a point where our brain can only hold so much, and to get something new in there, we have to get rid of something else to make room. 😆
I am always up for a cuppa! 😀
When we get older, it appears to me that we become busier. Technology, to me, has also hindered our memories because we can store say a phone number in our phone etc., etc., and we don’t have to remember those things at all. The we have kids, other responsibilities and less brain time than ever before and to me it’s kind of normal.
YET when something triggers a memory or something you’ve learned, like when you read my blog sometimes and you come out with all the good advise and things you’ve learned, your mind is “just fine” … you see where I’m going with this?
Me, I think our brains are limitless, it’s the distractions that are the problem. LOL 🙂
Oh, I totally see that. I’ve had the same cell phone number for something like 4 years, and sometimes I can’t remember it, but I can remember a vin number on a car we got 19 years ago?? I suppose this is because I never call myself, although we’ve had the same home phone number for over 16 years here.
Some days, though, I can’t remember simple words. I know what I want to say, but I can’t get it out. Obviously, this is a medical thing, and those who have been there (or are in it) know what this is like. I’m pretty sure it’s still IN there, just getting to it can be difficult at times. And sometimes, I’m pretty sure no short term memory items are getting stored, but that’s another deal entirely………
To the letter, I agree completely with you, if you’ve got all cylinders firing as they are supposed to. Any time you add anything else to the mix (medications, medical conditions, alcohol, etc etc) things can get altered.
(and, you don’t know how many times I’ve gone and read something you’ve written and knew I had something to say, but couldn’t think of it, so I went back later………. lol. :D)
Exactly> I still remember my home number from when I was a kid. Other numbers? Nope… I have to pause a second and thing about other numbers too, if you asked me about my friends phone numbers I have no idea what they are except for my friends upstate which I dial when I call, so it’s in my memory due to repetition.
Short term… what? Did you say something? huh? LOL ! I can walk away from my desk, go downstairs at work (or in another room at home) get distracted, go back to where I was, realize I forgot whatever it was I got up for, get up… go back and repeat… short term? 🙂 What?
Of course things can get altered with medicine or alcohol or what have you. Definitely. HAHAHA! You forgot what you were going to say huh? That’s okay, sometimes I’ll have something to say… know what it is and then forget entirely to go back at all. 🙂
It’s kind of neat if you think about it, others will be forced to pick up the slack? 🙂
Yes, well, ahem. It’s clearly documented that doorways are at fault for losing train of thought. (Yes, really: http://psychcentral.com/news/2011/11/21/environmental-boundaries-can-affect-memory/31727.html)
So now we know- we are doorway adverse, and we need to make sure all of our daily environments contain as few of them as possible. In my next house, you can betcha I’m going to be counting, and figuring out how to knock down as many as possible……. 😆
(And looky!!! That’s an article I remembered reading! That’s not old! :lol:)
The thing with the kids just about kills me. I’ll be talking to someone in high school and realize I could be their mother!!! How did that happen, when and who let it happen? Seriously, the guy that just started Kanak for me – yep, I’m old enough to be his mother. I thought I got that sudden shock because I didn’t have kids to keep me grounded, maybe that’s not it. Maybe it has to do with staring at my 10th annual 29th birthday?
Drama-free by design sounds perfect though. Chickens have built in drama. A little, but it’s enough.
I know! The one that really gets me is my friends who have grandkids……. or multiple grandkids, who are not much younger than my youngest!! 😯 First it was those that had kids driving, and then graduating from high school, but now it’s the grandkids. I mean, I thought we started young when the first was born when I was 24, but in hindsight, I guess not! Yikes!
And chicken drama? Well, at least they stay where I put them when I separate them…….. 😉
I try not to spend too much time in my own head because it gets utterly consuming. That’s why I started writing, to get some of it out of there. But, as I read what’s in your head, I thought a lot of it could apply to me.
I hope you get some of the inflammation taken care of soon. Your fictional writing is brilliant. You’ve still got some of those smarts even if they aren’t the same kinds.
Awww, shucks. Thanks! I DO have a great time writing, for sure. It gives me the chance to make sense. 😉
Inflammation. *sigh* I’m always going to have it, I’m afraid. Some parts of diseases you can’t get rid of, and I’m pretty sure that this is going to one of mine. Any reduction is a victory, though, so I’ll take what I can get when I can get it……….. 🙂
Well, the good news is that you only have to live inside your own mind. Given that, you’re pretty much the ultimate being. 🙂
You understand!! 😀 And I don’t have to stop to pee or eat if I don’t want to!! 😆
TT- I think you are fantastically interesting! You have chickens, how cool is that?! And you run, which is one of the coolest sports, because despite what non-runners think, we do have lots to talk about- shoes, trails, miles, muscles, workouts, which brings us to food, an awesome subject that you are well versed in.
Also- wow, do I get the smart thing. Before my surgery, I was smart, I could whip out some doozies, use big words, and make a lot of sense. But lately, I can’t remember the word for, ummmm, I forgot what I was trying to remember. Anyway, our brains really do have to play second fiddle when our bodies are stressed with sickness or pain.
Also- I am years older than you, which you will hear all about in a month when I start gearing up for my birthday-depression. So please, you aren’t old, k? You did just get out of high school, like a few years ago anyway, right?
: ) A
What nice sentiments, Anne! Thank you! 😀
I will say, not everyone thinks chickens are cool. A lot of people I know think I’m off my rocker and chickens are just well, old fashioned or something. They are really missing out, imo.
And running- well, I could ramble on endlessly about it, but this {again} is one of those things that I’ve found most non-runners don’t give a rip about. They don’t care about your shoes, or miles run, or races or any of it. I privately think that it’s because they aren’t doing it and feel guilty, so they don’t want to hear about it. 😉
And YES! I DID just get out of high school! And pretty soon, my kids can say the same thing……… 😆
Spot on with the brain function, too. I’m pretty sure that when the body has issues it’s trying to heal, it’s probably not going to spend a lot of time letting you think. And honestly, right now I’m more distracted with the muscle spasms, which seem to get me off track nearly every time. Of course, I think it’s because they are waking me up, too, which means I’m not rested like I need to be, and that just stirs the non-thinking pot……… 😆 One of these days, in my own mind, I might just think I’m OLD and that should solve all of these problems………… 😆
Very interesting post – and I relate. I thought to myself: But you know what you’re not? Bitter! And seriously, I know some ladies that could do with some sugar pills when faced with much less than your illness etc. Sourness is really the worst attribute I find. And I think that the thing that holds true as we get older is we usually get much better at life than we were – I am enjoying these sorts of benefits in my life, (calmer in a crisis, less bothered by the small superficial stuff) even as I am sure it’s all downhill on the physical front 🙂
Being bitter, honestly, is a waste of time. I think when something like this happens, you really do realize what’s important, and pissing and moaning aren’t it. I honestly would not want to go back, not unless I know everything I know now.
And that’s not to say that I am brimming with joy and dancing through the tulips every day- some days just suck. But, once you have realigned your goals, being alive is pretty darn important. 😀 I could waste my time being angry over this stuff, but honestly, it’s just cosmetic- it hasn’t changed who I am. It might have changed what I can DO, but that, too, does not define me.
Now, if I’d lost a marriage relationship or something like that, I might think about it. But, this was choosing wisely and honoring vows, imo, so while it’s not ideal- it’s life. And we don’t get to pick, so we have a choice- spend our time being angry and toxic, or accept what we cannot change and move on already. 😆
” it’s just cosmetic- it hasn’t changed who I am.” I barely know you, TT, just through posts, but it seems that who you are is really interesting, and fun, and energetic, and enthusiastic about what you believe in. And, very likeable! I am glad you are here amongst us.
Thanks, Anne. 🙂 I was always the misfit; the one who walked to a different drummer; the one who did things her own way; ways that no one else thought of and couldn’t believe was going to be tried. I’m pretty sure words like “weird” or “strange” and probably even “whacko” were used at points to describe me.
I’m pretty sure much of that in school was really because I’m an introvert. I remember having a slumber party for my birthday when I was in 5th grade, and coming down at some point during the night, to watch tv and get away from everyone. I never had another one………… 😆