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You know I don’t usually do this.  Actually, I have never done this before (make a blog post out of something I saw on Facebook).  This one, though, was too funny to pass by.

If you’ve been reading along, you may have stumbled across my What A Pain! post, where I share my exercise history and love of yoga.  While I primarily run these days, I’m still doing about 30 minutes of yoga as part of my warm-up, cool-down and stretching regime.

Language alert for anyone concerned.  No idea if this is a real  Craigslist ad or not, but it’s funny, and apparently copyrighted by Craigslist Inc. Courtesty of the Bikram Hot Yoga Albuquerque page on Facebook……

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yoga mat for sale. Used once – $1

Date: 2011-09-17, 8:41PM PDT

Reply to: sale-vuyvq-2604350472@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class. Usage timeline as follows:

 

11:45a

Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

 

11:55a

Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

 

11:57a

I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

 

11:58a

The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

 

11:59a

Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don’t exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

 

12:00p

Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

 

12:02p

Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

 

12:10p

It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other’s body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don’t worry, I’ll mention them later.)

 

12:26p

It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

 

12:33p

It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I’m in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, “for better or worse” is what we committed to so we press on.

 

12:40p

The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

 

12:44p

I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

 

12:52p

It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

 

12:55p

This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

 

1:01p

140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don’t get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

 

1:09p

150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.

I lose consciousness.

 

1:15p

I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can’t really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

 

1:17p

I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it’s voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It’s like juice and cracker time, ok?

 

1:20p

It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

 

1:30p

Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and ‘cool down’ in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

 

1:34p

My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level – probably by 15 degrees. So let’s conservatively say it’s 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

 

1:37p

The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day’s turmoil and mental scaring.

 

1:47p

Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein — effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

 

3:47p

Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the “shakes” consume my body.

 

4:29p

Note to self – check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

 

 

  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2604350472

 

  • Copyright © 2011 craigslist, inc.

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In this case, I mean that literally, and not figuratively.  I have pain. As long as I can remember, I have had pain. Right now, I am trying to untangle the pain.

Let me explain.  Being chronically ill with an autoimmune disease – which causes pain – and also being a physically active person (to combat said pain – I need those endorphins!), I am firmly in the camp of “It’s going to hurt anyway, so I might as well exercise.” Something my last batch of doctors said has given me pause. That comment was something along the lines of, “It’s time to start treating the symptoms, and see if we can rid of the pain.”

Two months and a new medication (an NSAID) later, I still have pain.  This is no surprise.  I’ve spent time on anti-inflammatories before, and the prescriptions I’ve taken haven’t ever done anything for the pain. There are pain relievers that are also NSAIDs, and for treating my pain, these kinds of over-the-counter medications seem to work better than just straight the NSAIDs.

The pain I’m thinking about today is my hip pain. December of 2009 was when I first noticed the lingering hip pain.  At first, my one hip only bothered me at night, in bed, while laying on my back.  While initially it hurt to lay on that side, after that split second or two of pain, it started to feel better, which led me to wonder if compression was helping. Another position that brought relief while laying on my back was to kick that leg out sideways from the hip, resting the foot on the inner thigh of my other leg, or somewhere in that general area (like tree pose, while laying down, without the arms over the head).

Observation: There was no pain at that time, while running.  The *only* time I had pain was when I was in bed, trying to sleep.

I should share:  I am a runner.                     

Well, I run.  I don’t know if that actually makes me a runner or not. 🙂 At my peak, between child one and child two, I was running 15 miles a day, between naps. During the morning nap, I ran the first 8 miles.  The afternoon nap gave me time to run the last 7 miles. That all changed, of course, once child two arrived and there was no going to the bathroom by myself, let alone pounding out miles on the treadmill.  😆

After child two, I got into yoga, and did several hours every day. This was something, I learned, I could do and still see, hear and interact with my children, even whilst attempting shoulder or head stands  and other inversions. I seriously considered getting certified and opening a studio, but the work that required would include separation from my kiddos and a lot more time away from home than I had in mind.

These days, I’m home four mornings a week, and I run/cross train 5 miles those days.  I do power walk portions, depending on how I’m feeling, and to give a periodic rest if I need a break from the pain. While the pain is nearly constant, striking does give a spike in the ow-factor. I’ve contemplated adding days or other exercises on the off days, but have not done so because of the hip pain.

I was diagnosed with several bulging discs in my lower back nearly 20 years ago. It took a significant amount of time, but eventually, the tingling and other pain from my posterior down the back of my legs finally went away.  This was a condition that was exacerbated by sitting, so being on my feet and active meant I could continue to function and do pretty well. Through the years, I’ve continued to have spells off and on of the tingling and pain. I’ve had days when a backache kept me curled up in a ball in bed. I’ve had days where I felt pretty good. Until I got sick 3 years ago. It’s been pretty much downhill ever since.

I know that compressed discs in your back can cause all kinds of things, particularly hip pain. Because this pain doesn’t seem to be completely disease related, I wonder: Could it be a problem with my back causing the hip pain? I know people who have been disabled for several months by hip pain that was resolved with very good results through chiropractic manipulation.

After the initial onset of pain, I continued to run. Some days I had no pain. Other days I had a little bit of pain while running at higher speeds and while laying in bed.  Some days, my other hip also had pain. While it was not the same kind of pain and was much less infrequent, it was, on occasion, much more intense.  Go figure.

Over the course of the year, the pain increased to points where it was constant pain; throbbing nearly all the time and radiating down the outside of my thigh. This is where I’m at now. Sometimes it is constant, intense pain. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt as much, or while I’m sitting.  Sometimes the pain doesn’t increase until I run at higher speeds. It always hurts when that side of my hip/leg is touched, even lightly.

Observations: Almost immediately after the onset of pain, there has been noticeable lump in that area. That area hurts <more> to brush against it in addition when being pressed. The pain radiates nearly down to my knee. I don’t have right side hip pain nearly to the same degree, and that pain seems to be focused on the front part of my hip, as opposed to the side. This stuff in my hip was palpable to the docs, who took turns feeling it and wondering what it might be.

Because of my crazy schedule this time of the year, I allowed myself to take nearly two months off.  I wanted to see if resting would help, in combination with the new medication.  My conclusion: not so much.  I don’t know that the new medication has done *anything* to help anything, but it has for sure exacerbated other symptoms. While the hip pain hasn’t been as consistently intense, I don’t feel there has been enough improvement to say either resting or new medication has helped.

“Life as usual” starts back on Monday. That means, for me, one of the first things I do in the morning, after checking email, is get on the treadmill. I warm up with some yoga (in particular, hip openers and gentle stretching) and do about 20 minutes more after running to cool down. While I am looking forward to getting back to my exercise regime, I am not looking forward to the prospect of increased pain.  Which may or may not happen.

At my one last appointment, it was suggested that I might perhaps have some bursitis in that hip. X-rays revealed no degradation of the joints, which was good. But the comment – that the doctors made about treating symptoms – has caused me to apply this thinking to causes of the pain. Is there more than one cause? Could the pain be *not* disease related?

That line of thinking logically led to running, and injuries caused by running. Could this pain be caused by running? There are a lot of hip injuries people have resulting from running. One of those is ITB Syndrome, or Snapping Hip Syndrome. Now I’m left scratching my head. The snapping hip usually causes the bursitis in the hip, as I understand it. 

I have never heard my hip snap, nor have I ever had the sensation that it was snapping. And while I am plugged in and listening to music while I run, my kids, who are always in the same room with me while I’m running, have never mentioned such a thing to me, either. This diagnosis does not seem likely to me.

As I run around in circles with research, I’m left wondering. If I look at this pain and think in terms not of being disease related, I’m left with two possible options: back/spinal related or bursitis.

I’ve seen the suggestion that doing certain Pilates exercises can help these specific pain points. I’ve taken quite a bit of time to look into these exercises for runners, but am unable to find good direction (like those with pictures) on which specific home exercises to use, and when and how many – before running, after running, how many reps, etc. without spending a bunch of money. Money is important to me.  I’ve spent several years blowing a bunch of it on doctors without getting results. I am loathe to throw more money at something without having an inkling of potential success or promise.

So what’s my plan? I’m going to add to my daily routine more yoga poses/Asanas aimed at strengthening and stretching my legs and hips. I’m going to try to add a second session of those poses before bed and see if it helps either the sleep or running situations any. If that fails to give me any relief or tangible benefit after a few months, I’ll probably end up seeing if the chiropractor can help. I wish I could find the cause and have a good, *free* and non-invasive treatment.  I’m not ruling out a shot of cortisone, but that would involve finding a doctor who could diagnose such a thing, and I am not sure I want to get back on that hamster wheel.

And, I’m hoping that if you are reading this article, that perhaps you may have some insight and/or helpful information to share.  Please feel free to comment and share with me!

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