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Posts Tagged ‘mojo’

Mojo


I’m looking for this, too.

Did you ever feel just lost?  Not like you don’t know your place in the world lost.  But lost.  Like, somewhere along the way, while you were merrily progressing on schedule with the plan you had made for your life, you woke up at some point and just didn’t feel it any more?  That kind of lost.

I keep trying things- crafts, hobbies, challenging myself to do new “stuff,” and I just don’t feel it.  I have a sense of “whatever” <shrugs>.  And, lest you think I need a shrink, I’m pretty good at playing one at home.  🙂  Maybe I missed my calling- and I’ve thought about that, too.  But you know what?  I don’t care. 

Herein, it seems, lies the crux of the issue.  I spent a long time- nearly three quarters of a decade- caring deeply and strongly; having a passion for my work and the help it gave to others.  And I was *good* at my work.  I helped a lot of people.  I know I made a tangible difference in some of their lives.  I was “on call” most of the time; staying up into the late hours of the night helping people I would never meet in person.  I answered panicked calls after my kids my had been soundly sleeping for hours- and waking my husband, who found another reason for the work to annoy him .

While we knew it was probably coming, the day it came left me with an excited and relieved feeling.  Relieved that because I knew the home conflict it had caused all those years would finally be coming to an end, since I couldn’t walk away on my own- not when it had been a large part of my identity my entire life.  Excited about the possibilities in a life that didn’t revolve around it.

So blah blah blah, right?  Move on with living already!  Well, I am, of course.  Life moves on, and we all keep on keepin’ on.  But in this “new” life, I am finding that my “give a damn is busted.”<thank you Jo Dee Messina>  I’m finding I lack the ability to feel like I care about really anything deeply any more. 

There is logic to what I know I feel- I love my kids, my husband, my pets; I love camping (and really, would have gone completely and utterly insane by now without that escape)- yada yada yada, but I don’t have depth of feeling.  Sure, I can cry during a movie with the best of them because I feel the emotion generated, and I can generate plenty of my own tears.

But past that- I don’t feel like I *really* feel.  I do my new work with the sastisfaction of the dollar coming in.  I enjoy my work environment overall. It’s something completely different, with a different kind of stress, which I have to say, I don’t enjoy. Most of the work is fine; not unpleasant. I do it because, like everyone else, it’s a job.

Did I live my life with such intensity of emotion all that time that now I don’t feel like I’m “feeling” without that same level of ________? Has chronic illness (or the medication :)) switched me to the point where I fell it’s all really just pointless?

Am I just lost?

Am I totally mental?  😀

I try to have faith that one day, I will wake up, feeling refreshed, feeling like I have a genuine purpose and passion again for doing things.  I try to have faith that I’ll find my mojo, although much of the time I wonder if I ever actually had it to begin with.

So if you see my mojo, send it my way, will you?  In the meantime, I’ll be marking time and listening to the……………

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